My Journey from Childfree Identity to...Whatever This Is
I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. He has two kids. I now have two pint-sized roommates 50% of the time.
And suddenly, I don't fit neatly into any of the boxes I thought defined me.
The childfree community probably sees me as a sellout.
The moms are probably thinking, "But you don't have real kids."
And I'm just sitting here thinking, where exactly do the people like me go now? Who are we?
The Before: When Everything Made Sense
For years, I identified as childfree. Not in a militant way, but in a very clear, "this is my path" kind of way. It wasn't even really a choice at first - it just never happened for me. I got divorced, I was single for five years, and eventually I leaned hard into that identity.
I built a travel company around the freedom I had. I could take off to Kenya for two weeks on a Tuesday. I could spend New Year's in Mexico instead of feeling forgotten at home while everyone else celebrated with their families. I turned my lack of traditional commitments into something beautiful - group trips for people who also wanted to live life outside the conventional timeline.
Being childfree became part of my identity. I found community there. I understood the language. I got the jokes about everyone asking when you're having kids, about being the only one available on Friday nights, about having all this space in your life that wasn't reserved for soccer practices and parent-teacher conferences.
It was clarifying. Empowering, even.
The Plot Twist Nobody Saw Coming
Then I met someone.
And here's the thing they don't tell you about falling in love: sometimes you love someone more than you love your carefully constructed identity.
My boyfriend has two kids. When we started dating, I knew that about him. But knowing something intellectually and living it are two very different things.
If you'd told 2024 Laura that by the end of 2025 she'd be moving in with a guy and co-parenting two children 50% of the time, I would have laughed in your face. That wasn't the plan. That wasn't even in the realm of possibility.
But here we are.
The Identity Crisis
So where does that leave me?
I still identify as childfree. I didn't birth his children. They have a mother. I still live that lifestyle at least half the time (and realistically even more between my travel schedule and them being in school). My boyfriend knows I don't want kids of my own - that hasn't changed. His kids aren't a burden; they're part of the package deal, and I signed up for this knowing exactly what it meant.
But I kind of don't belong anywhere now.
In the childfree spaces, I fear I’m the sellout who "caved." The one who couldn't handle being alone or gave up her identity for a man.
And in the mom spaces…please. "You don't have real kids. You get to give them back. You didn't sacrifice your body."
When I told my friend about this dilemma, she said something about me sharing my fears that stuck with me, "But that's real. Life changes."
She's right. But it doesn't make it any less uncomfortable to suddenly not fit into the categories you thought defined you.
The Bigger Truth Nobody Talks About
This isn't actually just about being childfree versus being a parent.
This is about how we box ourselves in with any identity, and then feel like we've failed when life inevitably colors outside those lines.
Think about it:
You thought you'd be married forever, then you got divorced
You climbed the corporate ladder for 14 years, then quit to start a business
You were the adventurous backpacker, now you crave stability and a couch
You never wanted kids, then circumstances changed
You desperately wanted to be a mom, then you timed out
You maybe want kids, but you are still waiting to find your person.
We're so terrified of being inconsistent that we'd rather stay miserable in a box that doesn't fit anymore than admit we've evolved.
My recent conversation with Emily Paulsen on my podcast hit me hard because she said something I needed to hear: "It's healthy for us to change our minds. Otherwise, we're not doing anything, and that's so much worse."
Can you imagine if we all stayed exactly the same our entire lives? If we never evolved, never learned, never let new experiences reshape us? That would be tragic.
What I'm Learning (In Real Time)
Change isn't a betrayal of who you were. It's an evolution of who you're becoming.
You can hold multiple truths at once. I can still deeply value the childfree perspective and accept co-parenting because I love my partner. I can build a business that serves solo female travelers and be in a committed relationship. I can love the freedom I had and embrace the beautiful complexity that's replacing it.
We don't owe anyone consistency in our life choices…not our friends, not our communities, not even ourselves from five years ago.
And maybe most importantly, there needs to be representation for the in-between spaces. For the people who don't fit the narrative. For the nuanced, messy, complicated realities that most of us are actually living.
If You’re an In-Between Too
Maybe you're divorced when you thought you'd be married forever.
Maybe you're single and childfree when you thought you'd be a mom by now.
Maybe you're an entrepreneur when you thought you'd climb the corporate ladder until retirement.
Maybe you're a homebody when you used to be the adventurous one.
Maybe you're partnered with someone who has kids when you swore you'd never date someone with children.
Maybe you're the mom who sometimes misses her childfree life and feels guilty about it.
Whatever your in-between is, you're not alone. And you don't have to figure out which box you fit in. Maybe there is no box. Maybe we've been trying to squeeze ourselves into containers that were never meant to hold the full complexity of a human life.
Life refuses to stay in its lane, and thank God for that.
Because if it did, I wouldn't have met my person.
I wouldn't be moving into a beautiful house with a man I love and two kids who are pretty great too. I wouldn't be learning that my capacity for love and adaptation is so much bigger than I thought.
I'd just be stuck in a lane I chose when I was a different version of myself. And that's not living. That's just existing.
Where Do We Go From Here?
I don't have this figured out. I'm quite literally writing this after I packed up my house and prepared to move into a life I never imagined for myself.
But I'm done apologizing for evolving. I'm done feeling like I need to fit neatly into one category or another. I'm done waiting for the perfect version of my life to start living it.
If you want to hear more of this conversation about building intentional lives outside traditional timelines, listen to my full episode with Emily Paulsen. She's the host of Curious Life of a Child-Free Woman, and our conversation will make you think differently about life choices - whether you have kids, want kids, don't want kids, or like me, find yourself somewhere in the beautiful, complicated in-between.
And if you're navigating your own in-between space, I see you. You're not a sellout. You're not a failure. You're not inconsistent.
You're just human. And that's more than enough.
This blog post was inspired by my conversation with Emily Paulsen on the Type 2 Travel podcast. Listen to the full episode here.